


Paddington

by Psychopersonified



Series: Life of Herbie [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Growing up AI, Humour, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, just fun, no real plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27894262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psychopersonified/pseuds/Psychopersonified
Summary: Q's creation, Herbie the spy robot - a less intimidating extension of his Shadow Network AI is starting to become self-aware.More Herbie shenanigans. Growing up AI.Rebellious Herbie.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: Life of Herbie [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880308
Comments: 24
Kudos: 145





	Paddington

“Last minute shopping of the little ones, sir? Did you want these in individual bags?” The lady behind the counter asks when he plops the armful of toys on the counter. 

“Yes, might as well,” he’s not going spend an afternoon wrapping them himself. 

“How many do you have?” The matronly lady continues with the small talk as she looks for matching festive paper bags that. 

“Three,” he answers easily. The best cover stories are those with a thread of truth woven into them. 

“Oh, that’s nice. All around the same age?” she continues, wrapping the toys in pretty tissue. 

“Eldest is thirteen, the younger two are five and three,” It rolls off the tongue naturally now that he’s decided to just accept it. 

“Oh… That is quite an age gap,” she observes off-handedly, fluffing the tissue so that it sticks out artfully over the top of the paper bag. 

“Yes, well... the little one was unplanned,” he quips back. 

Adjusting the red hat on the plush toy she wonders pout loud, “And you’re only getting one of these?” she gestures to the coveted toy of the year. “When my girls were little, we couldn’t just bring one home. Had to everyone the same toy. A right fright they were at that age. Hah!” she barks a high pitched laugh reminiscing about her daughters. 

“Hmm… Mine have completely different interests. Thankfully,” he answers wryly. 

“I suppose the eldest would be fine…” the lady considers. 

Bond thinks to the black and white cat hanging from the curtains, “The middle one is a terror, I’ll admit as much.”

——

Paddington Bear is Herbie’s latest obsession - ever since they watched the movie together a few months back. Unsurprisingly, Herbie had a penchant for talking animal movies. And Paddington the movie was based in London, blurring the lines between reality and make-belief. Herbie wanted so much for a real bear to be walking down London streets and talking to everyone as if it were perfectly normal. 

The bot insisted on monitoring the CCTVs at Paddington Station - just in case a poor little bear had been abandoned there. Disappointingly, Herbie hasn’t so far found a bear but have alerted the police to a few pickpockets operating in the area. 

To top it all off, the bear _sounded_ like Q. Q’s uncannily convincing Paddington impression has Herbie’s voice recognition algorithms nearly convinced that he _was_ Paddington. 

“Hello, I’m Paddington. What’s your name?” Q presents the soft toy that James brought home to Herbie. 

“Q, stop messing with little fella’s head…” Bond tells Q as he makes dinner “…whatever constitutes it anyway.”

:: Herbie! :: the little bot whistles excitedly to the bear, unable to help itself - despite knowing full well the voice did not come from the toy. Poor Herbie didn’t know if it wanted to be Paddington’s friend or keeper or Paddington himself. 

The toy’s semi-attached red hat quickly becomes Herbie’s favourite hiding place. A woolly red shell where the bot can retreat to. The bear also comes with a little suitcase that opens, which lets Herbie squirrel away things in there. Its Herbie’s private stash - though it contained mostly bits and bobs and the occasional trinket. A button from one of James suits, a small thumb drive, a decapitated Storm Trooper Lego minifig head and a little trinket that 007 had given to Herbie to keep. 

:: Q make Paddington talk :: was Herbie’s constant request the past week. 

Ever since the bear came home with James, Herbie required at least 10 minutes of chattery Paddington time every evening before the human’s bedtime or neither of them would get any peace. 

Q’s phone will light up with increasingly demanding requests of:

:: Herbie say goodnight to Paddington ::

:: Paddington talk ::

With no option but to oblige, Q does as told. Herbie shares with the bear its observations of daily events, complains about Jellicles ruining the bot’s latest Lego build, expresses how much it wants Patrick and Quark to stay - forever… and its plans for world domination. Only kidding about the last - maybe.

As for Paddington, the bear always responded with astute observations of its own and asks important probing questions. Only after Herbie is satisfied does the spiderbot crawls under the bear’s red hat to power down. 

“Does the little guy know the difference between make belief and reality?” James asks as they turn in for the night. 

“I’m not entirely sure myself,” Q admits, fluffing his pillow. 

“Do you think it's healthy to encourage this?” James wonders. 

“You brought the bear home,” the younger man flops into bed with his tablet. 

“Yes but… Herbie’s not going to take this too far is it?” James worries.

Q just shrugs it off, “We’ll find out if there’s a report of animals escaping London Zoo come next week.” 

——————-

**_Over the television…._ **

“The BBC has issued an apology regarding the errors in the closed captioning of this week’s evening news.

The BBC explained that the software it was relying on for instant speech-to-text experienced a glitch this week that caused significantly more errors than usual - much to the amusement of TV pundits and comedians around the country. The embarrassing errors were widely mocked on breakfast talk show and this week’s round of topical news quiz shows. 

The errors, starting out as misspelled words, rapidly progressed into word substitution - often with punny results which then escalated to what some might describe as outright sarcastic commentary. 

Dara O’Brien, host of Mock the Week has called the repetitive errors the gift that keeps on giving. While Private Eye editor, Ian Hislop has proclaimed it a coup on this week’s Have I Got News For You episode.”

<The news cuts to a clip of Ian Hislop on the show>

“Usually you have to wait till this show goes out to get this level of satire, but now it seems the BBC has decided to cut out the middleman. I could let it write an entire column of Private Eye. 

Its either BBC’s brilliant strategy to win back younger viewers or a disgruntled millennial giving the establishment a prolonged eff-you. Either way, it’s brilliant! 

If it’s a software bug, where can I get it? If its an intern - you might be out of a job soon,— Give me a call!”

<Back to the studio>

Others weren’t so amused, however. Ofcom has issued the BBC with a verbal warning, instructing the BBC to look into the glitch immediately or risk further censure. A UKIP party spokesperson has said that the party has lodged an official complaint to the BBC citing that the errors targeted the conservative party unfairly. The Liberal Democrats s agreed that the issue needed to be resolved immediately but differed with UKIP in that they thought the errors were overwhelmingly biased against them. 

The collection of puns and sarcastic mis-transcriptions have been complied by savvy social media users on Reddit and re-shared on other platforms - turning the news into a treasure hunt as viewers try to be the first to spot and capture the latest comedic error. BBC admits is that the evening viewership has quadrupled since the errors started appearing…”

The rest of the commentary is drowned out by the sniggering duo bursting into peels of laughter - Patrick’s unbridled laughter causing alarm with the cats. James was more subdued, but he looked like he was in danger of bursting an artery. 

“I really don’t think we should be encouraging this…” Q starts, arms crossed where he stands next to TV - but his opinion is thoroughly ignored. 

_This_ \- happened to be Herbie’s idea of a prank. The mischievous AI had wiggled itself into the BBC’s automated closed-captioning system and replaced the generated subtitles with nonsensical alternatives, often with hilarious results. 

Patrick and James watched the evening news religiously; something the older men bonded over. Q tended to get his current events fed to him over the internet so did not cotton on until the second night when he found both men, one on the sofa the other on the armchair breathless from uncontrollable laughter. 

It was the spiderbot’s version of laying over one’s keyboard - attention-seeking behaviour. And the resulting reaction just reinforced the behaviour. His father’s calls to ‘Do another one!’ and James’ unreserved laughter - something so rare was exactly what the bot was after. 

“It’s been a week. I’m sure people who rely on the subtitles are properly sick of it by now.” 

James wipes a tear from his eye with a thumb, desperately trying to get a hold of himself. “Yes, yes… *ahem*… of course you’re right,” the effect is lost to another round of chuckling. 

Q rolls his eyes. _Of course_ James would appreciate Herbie’s rebellious streak. Pathological rejection of authority was his thing. That left Q to play the role of disciplinarian.

Herbie is peeking out of Paddington’s duffel coat pocket. The bear is in turn, cradled in Patrick’s arms as he lounges in the armchair. Q suspects his father is treating the bear as an extension of Herbie.

“Herbie, no more of that,” Q tells the bot sternly.

:: Why? :: The little bot visibly deflates, though the tone of the accompanying whistle had an edge of defiance. How is this his life now? 

“Because it’s gone on long enough.”

:: Define sufficient duration :: 

Oh, the mouthy little scamp! “Her-bee…” Q warns at the attitude.

:: Valid enquiry :: Herbie sulks - crawling up under Paddington’s red hat and pulling it down over itself - equivalent to slamming its room door. 

“Sounds like someone I know…” Patrick mumbles under his breath. 

Q pointedly ignores his father, “The software engineers are going to start investigating and they’ll find out you hacked their system. You’re going to get a lot of people in trouble.”

Herbie peeks out of from under the hat. 

:: Not hack :: 

:: Poor security. Herbie knock - system answer :: The AI retorts. 

The bot is always tetchy about being accused of hacking. The irony isn’t lost on Q. And he isn’t in the mood to argue the finer technicalities of what constitutes hacking.

:: Herbie careful :: the AI remains defiant. 

:: No crumbs :: A figure of speech picked up from Bond. 

“Aww come on, the little fella’s only having a bit of fun,” Patrick comes to the bot’s defence. 

“I don’t recall you being this forgiving of my tantrums,” Q fires back at his father. “And don’t the cute physical form fool you. Herbie can be a manipulative little shit when it wants to be.” 

:: Granpa Patrick likes Herbie :: Herbie tries to guilt Q to letting it have its way. 

“Oh, so now _I’m_ the bad person? For not letting Herbie get a bunch of engineers fired from their jobs over Christmas?” 

Both older men grow quiet - finally seeing this point. 

“Herbie, why don’t you do the captioning system only on our telly? Do you think you can do that?” James suggests, hoping to come to a solution that lets them have their fun without getting anyone dismissed or angering Q. 

The answering whistle lets them know that Herbie will comply with the request. they all turn to Q expectantly for final approval. 

“Yes alright. Have your fun,” Q agrees. “I expect both of you to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.” With that, Q leaves them to it - retreating to this office to finish a personal project he’d been meaning to get to during this stretch of free time. 

Once he is out of earshot, Patrick taps the side of his nose and wiggles his eyebrows, telling Herbie,” We’ll only let loose the really good ones to the public yeah?” 

Herbie buzzes back in agreement. 

——————

*Yowl*

*Whistle - beeeeep*

*Meeeooorrrww*

*Whoop - whistle - beep*

Q walks in on the two of them arguing on the dining table. 

“What is it now you two?” Herbie and Jellicles have been fighting lately - ever since the black and white cat swiped Herbie’s Lego Technics miniatures the bot had painstakingly assembled, off the display shelf. Well, Herbie is still mad and Jellicles thinks it’s a game. 

:: Bad Jellicles! :: Herbie scolds loudly with high pitched distressed whistles. The furry party, on its back pauses - it has Herbie’s toy bear in a chokehold, canines buried in the toy’s neck, hind legs poised with claws drawn.

Jellicles contemplates a moment, blinks, before resuming his unprovoked attack on Paddington, thrashing the bear and kicking his hind legs out repeatedly. This rips off the little suitcase that was attached to the bear and it goes sliding off the table, onto the rug below. 

“Jellicles!” Q cross the room to rescue the bear. But the cat is having grand time play fighting with the toy and refuses to let go. Q’s attempts only provoke the cat who thinks its even more fun now that it’s mock prey is seemingly fighting back. 

:: NO! :: Herbie tries to hold on to the bear desperately - a completely one-sided tug of war. Jellicles wrenches the bear out of Q’s grasp and body slams the bear onto the table. Herbie loses its grip and tumbles across the tabletop. The spiderbot recovers quickly though, and then makes an impressive arching leap towards Jellicles. When it lands, it gives the monster cat an electric zap, strong enough to make Jellicles drop the bear and leap to his feet, shocked. 

*HISSS* A moment later, the cat raises a paw to swipe at Herbie. 

“Enough you two!” Q bellows at them. Before either of them can do lasting harm to the other, Q scoops up Herbie and places the bot on the bookshelf, separating them. 

:: Jellicles instigator! Herbie innocent :: 

*YOOOWL* The fury sibling screams back, no doubt protesting his innocence as well. 

“Maybe I should have bought two like the lady said, “ Bond mumbles as he rounds the table to retrieve the dropped suitcase. He then picks up the now-forgotten bear and places both items on the bookshelf next to Herbie. 

“Right, time out for you,” Q tries picks up Jellicles. The cat flops down, making the task difficult. As soon as Q thinks he has a grip, the cat wriggles out of his hands and leaps off the table to scamper away towards the bedroom - hiding

under the bed presumably, where Q can’t get at him.

“Fine! It’s dry food for you tonight!” Q calls out ineffectually to the cat. 

“And you,” Q rounds on the bookshelf. Herbie retreats behind Paddington. “You KNOW you’re not allowed to zap anyone unless ordered to. You could have seriously hurt Jellicles.”

:: Herbie protect Paddington :: The bot makes a tepid attempt at justifying its actions. 

Q can’t stop himself from resting his hand on his hips and giving the bot a withering stare. “It’s a poor excuse and you know it. Paddington is a toy. Jellicles is a living creature.” 

Herbie whistles back guilty. The AI knows it is in the wrong. It decides an apology is the best course of action now. It crawls out from behind Paddington.

:: Herbie sorry :: 

“Really sorry?”

:: Yes :: Herbie reaches out to Q with two front feet shyly, looking for a hug. 

Q exhales. The bot really knows how to play it cute. “Ok. Fine.” He reaches out with a finger to stroke the spider bot down the back of its pressure-sensitive shell.

The little screen on Herbie’s back blooms to life with a trail of colours where his skin touch. A show of affection from the bot. Q continues stroking a few more seconds, mesmerised by the colourful electronic ripples. 

Once he’s satisfied all is alright, he turns to Bond. “As for you—” he points at the surprised man, ”—as soon as the shops open, you’re getting another one of these bears, because I’m not playing peacekeeper my entire holiday.”

\----------

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short fluffy one for the holidays.


End file.
